The word forgive is defined as, to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake. Sounds pretty easy, right, just stop feeling angry. However, for most of us, forgiveness is one of, if not THE, most difficult thing to give as an adult. It was easier when we were kids, wasn’t it? Someone did something wrong to you, you got upset, they were forced by an adult to apologize, and we all went on our way. Well, here are a few tips to use when forgiveness doesn’t come as easy for you now as it did on the playground.
A is for Awareness.
Awareness, such a strong word. We would all like to think we are aware. Aware of the world around us, aware of ourselves and our motivations, aware of our spouses and children. But are we really? In a world filled with so many bright and shiny distractions, do we really take the time necessary to be aware? Especially when it comes to self-awareness, perhaps the most crucial part of good mental health, are we self-aware? Simply being aware that something, whether it happened yesterday or twenty years ago, is not sitting well with you or is upsetting you, can be the first step in the process of forgiveness. Often that first step of taking an emotional inventory, being aware of your feelings instead of caught up in the daily trials and tribulations of life, can be the most difficult.
A is for Acceptance.
Acceptance, the golden ring of “adulting”. Accepting the things we cannot change, whether we like them or not, can be downright maddening at times. Although let’s face it, it’s much easier to accept the things we like, than the ones we don’t. As big strong adults we often tell ourselves that we “should be better than that”, we “should be the bigger person”, and we “shouldn’t let things from the past bother us”. But in the end, we are human, and sometimes we are bothered by it, sometimes we can’t be the bigger person, and sometimes old stuff still upsets us…or upsets us again.
A is for Allowance.
Emotions are not good or bad, they are just emotions, they can’t be judged. But for some reason, we adults often feel as though being angry in certain situations is wrong, feeling sad over something means you have failed in some way, or disappointment should only be felt by children. The fact is again we are still human, we have hundreds of emotions running through our brains all day long, we just don’t often stop and take the time to really listen to what they are saying. Allowing your emotions to just “be” is one of the most powerful ways to find forgiveness. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling, without judgement, and then actually feel that emotion instead of pushing it away or ignoring it. One of the most self-destructive things we do for our lifelong mental health is ignoring, or attempting to block, our true emotions.
So whether you are trying to forgive your spouse for forgetting an anniversary, or that person from your past that left you with more scars than you are willing to show, the best way to do that is through healing. And no one has ever healed from anything by pretending it never happened, survived maybe, but not healed.
Happy adulting, it's tough out there, be brave.
By Katherine Biggs, MSCP