The Wilderness Inside my Mind: An Imaginative Meditation for Relaxation and Grounding

There is an infinite wilderness inside us all; we have forests and beaches, daylight and darkness, canyons, mountaintops, and boundless grassy plains. When we feel trapped, overwhelmed, or like we’re just so darn tired of this quarantine business…we all have a place to escape to, a place to find grounding or serenity, a place that has no price and requires no travel. With imagination and meditation, any one of us can briefly travel to this wilderness, and in doing so, we harness a variety of psychophysiological benefits.

The trouble is, in our day to day lives we get so busy with responsibilities, worries, and even distractions that we rarely give our minds a chance to practice imaginative creativity. Luckily, our creative brain seems to turn on quite quickly with just a little bit of prompting. If you’d like to give this a try, please listen to or read the meditation below.

Tips:

- I recommend listening to this meditation in a comfortable location where, for just a few minutes, you feel you are able to let your guard down and, perhaps, even close your eyes.

- If the above recommendation isn’t an option, that’s okay. Try reading the text provided below. You may find that you like to:

• a. …read a few sentences, close your eyes (or let your gaze drift with eyes open), imagine the sensations described, and then continue the process by reading another sentence or two.

• b. …read the entire passage and then let your imagination wander however you choose: eyes opened or closed, laying down or sitting up, following the script, or adding your own spin.

Try this on for size:

Find a comfortable position to sit in or lay down. As you breathe, begin to picture the exchange of atoms from air to body, and body to air. As you breathe in, notice the nourishment you are providing for your muscles and tissues; and as you breathe out, feel your tension slowly begin to release as you exhale feelings of stress, anxiety, or pressure. Continue this pattern, for as long or as short as you like. Allow your breathing to deepen as you nourish your body and relax your mind.

Imagine you are standing in a forest. It is mid-morning. It is warm. There are soft, golden rays of sun that peek through layers of leaves above, as they are gently rustled by a mellow breeze. You take a deep breath. You notice the scent of cedar, the soft earthen smell of soil, and perhaps, being carried in on that warm breeze, a slight, and soothing note of lavender that is growing wild in a nearby field.

As you breathe in these pleasant and gratifying scents, you begin to hear a harmonious sound, a sympathetic and tender melody of birds, crickets, and rustling leaves. These noises seem to blend and complement one another, as though they were always meant to be heard at exactly the same time, at exactly this moment, in a place that is created by you.

As you are here, in this forest, you feel safe. It is a place, that no one can access without your permission. You decide to stay a while. Your eyes take in the surroundings, and you find a sturdy, old, oak tree nearby. As you walk toward the tree, you feel the soft spring of the forgiving soil beneath your feet. As you approach, you notice the tree’s breadth and its height. With both hands, you feel the bark. You feel the deep, woody ridges, that seem to invite the welcome growth of soft, dewy moss.

You decide to sit against this tree trunk, to unwind with the scents and the melodies being carried along the breeze. As you sit, you feel each muscle in your body slowly relax, allowing yourself to feel heavier and heavier against the steady tree, and the strong, though forgiving soil.

As you relax, you find that your attention slowly drifts back to the cleansing, forest air that is so kindly nourishing your lungs. You settle into a soothing pattern, wherein you inhale the forest’s pure air and exhale with gratitude for such cleansing. The forest seems to welcome you to stay for as long or as little as you like.

As you prepare to depart from the forest, you must remember that this forest lives within you. Though you may need to leave the forest now, it is always available for you to come back to. You can use this guide, or you can imagine the forest on your own. You can find a quiet place to sit and meditate on each aspect of the forest, or you can choose to focus on just one or two small parts of the forest for a brief few seconds when you need a miniscule escape.

By Katherine Jones, Master of Science in Counseling Psychology Graduate Student, Chatham University

Bullying, Personal Safety, & Empowerment for Our Kids!

Here is a sneak peak of what will be discussed on Tuesday October 22nd at Congruence Counseling for the first of seven Let’s Talk Tuesdays! Each month, a discussion will be held to offer strategies and support, for parents of children with disabilities, and those facing emotional or behavioral challenges.  October is National Bullying Prevention month, and in honor we will kick off the first of this conversation series discussing personal safety awareness, bullying prevention, and empowerment.  

Personal Safety Awareness 

Did you know that…

·      Children with disabilities are almost four times as likely to experience violence than children without disabilities (World Health Organization, 2012).

·      Adults with disabilities are one a half times more likely to experience violence than those without disabilities (World Health Organization, 2012).

Yes, these statistics are alarming.  As a parent or caregiver, this can bring to light any or all of the following ---fear, worry, anger, disgust, the list goes on.  The question then becomes, what can parents and caregivers do to make sure those they care for are safe from harm?  Expose individuals to self-protection techniques and give them the skills to be safe in their own environment.  Increase their awareness to their surroundings, and help them determine what they can do in an unsafe situation as opposed to something they can’t do.  Give them a voice to feel empowered and in control of their own destiny.

Bullying Prevention

As the school year takes off in full swing; unfortunately, so does bullying.  Thirty-three percent of students who reported being bullied at school, indicated that they were bullied at least once or twice a month during the school year (National Center for Educational Statistics, 2016).   Bullying can occur anywhere from the bus ride in the morning, to the playground, hallway, cafeteria at lunch, and even in the classroom.  In today’s world, bullying is double faceted.   It just doesn’t occur in person, but from behind a screen as well.  Technology has made it so easy for those interested in hurting others to hide behind the anonymity of a smartphone, tablet, or computer.  

Let’s help put an end to bullying and cyberbullying by teaching children ways to take charge of their own safety whether online or at school. Let’s celebrate National Bullying Prevention Month in October working towards acceptance and inclusion.   

By Sarah Bobrzynski, MS, CRC

References 

National Center for Education Statistics. (2016). Indicators of school crime and safety. U.S. Department of Education. Retrieved from https://nces.ed.gov/fastfacts/display.asp?id=719.

World Health Organization. (2012).  Prevalence and risk of violence against adults with disabilities: a systematic review and meta-analysis of observational studies. Retrieved fromhttps://www.who.int/disabilities/violence/en/

Setting Your Kids Up for Success

I often get asked about what parent can do to help their children become successfully functioning good people.  Children are always learning and watching others to learn appropriate ways of behaving and interacting. If you want to set your children up for success, you can provide learning opportunities that teach important adult information in a way that makes sense to their developmental level. Here are some of the most common things parents tell me that they want their kids to learn along with some ideas and examples for how to make it happen:

Teaching natural consequences and how to take responsibility

            Sometimes kids don’t make the best choices and/or do things without thought. That’s a normal part of growing up, and is how we learn self-control and regulation. Let your child experience these natural consequences and teach them to take responsibility for their actions. For example, if your child forgets their homework, you could let them take responsibility for that with their teacher instead of running it to the school. If they break something with careless behavior, you could let them learn to be more careful with their belongings rather than replacing it.

Teaching about empathy

            Children are, by nature, egocentric. It is up to the adults in their lives to show them that it is good to care for others and how to understand feelings. Discuss (out loud) your feelings for people. Statements like “She must be sad. I would be sad if that happened to me” and “I know he is upset because he is crying.” Give kids the chance to see how empathetic thinking works. 

Teaching kids about making mistakes and apologizing:

            Teach kids that it is OK to make mistakes, be wrong, and apologize. When you make a mistake you can point it out, along with the steps you are taking to correct it, or a statement like “everything cant be perfect all the time” when its not something that needs correcting (or if it cant be corrected). When you are wrong, even with your kids, admit that you were wrong (and apologize when needed). Talk about what it feels like to be wrong, and how admitting that you were wrong and apologizing feels better.

 Teaching kids to be independent.

            Provide opportunities for independence by giving your kids age appropriate responsibilities. Let them explore and make choices, even if they would not be yours. You can let young children choose their outfits from a weather appropriate selection. You can leave out supplies for crafting and allow them to make art without direction. Little opportunities for independence give kids a chance to learn and grow.

 Teaching kids about rewards and consequences.

            Teach kids about rewards and consequences with a clearly laid out, simple behavioral plan. Start with 2-3 behaviors you want to see and their counterparts (what you don’t want to see). Clearly explain this plan to your kids and then be consistent. This teaches kids about following rules, and why its important. Providing rewards without your child earning them can create a sense of entitlement, and this will help them learn that rewards are earned, and thus are meaningful.

Teaching kids about working hard and responsibility

      Provide opportunities for work, with and without reward. Find age appropriate chores for your child. Some of these chores can come with rewards and some should be without rewards (other than praise). This gives kids a chance to learn about earning the things they want, how to be part of a community, and helps fight against entitlement.

 Teaching kids about values        

      This one requires a little work on your part but reaps the most benefits. First, you will need to explore your own values. Then you will need to find a way to express that value regularly, with and without your kids. If service is something you value, then you can express that by volunteering. When appropriate, you can bring your children. When its not appropriate to bring them, be sure to talk about your volunteer work, how it benefits others, and how it makes you feel. This helps your kids understand what you value and why and reinforces it for them.

Providing these types of learning opportunities for your kids will help them learn important life lessons that will help them be the best people they can be.

By Lindsay Brunswick, LPC

The Life and Loss of Elephant, a Child's Journey of Grief and Healing.

My four-year old lost her best friend last week. Thankfully he was of the stuffed animal variety and not human, however as a bystander in the situation I watched her process grief and loss much in the same way I have myself processed the loss of loved ones, human ones, in the past. 

 Let me tell you about him. Elephant was a small, inexpensive, stuffed animal that she won from a claw machine at one of those chaotic birthday party places. But it was love at first sight. HE was HERS, he was the first thing she had ever won on her own, she was almost 3 years old at the time, and he made her feel loved. From the moment she took him out of the claw machine, she put him under her arm and there he stayed for the next year and a half. Elephant went on family vacations, to dentist appointments, out to dinner, to dance class, and most importantly to bed with her every night under her arm…right where he was meant to be. 

 Everyone who met my daughter met elephant too. The suggestion had certainly been made that I should be sure to go to Target and get a “back-up Elephant” in case he was one day lost. Had it only been that easy, I would explain he was an obscure claw machine prize, literally how could he be replaced? Sure enough last week on a road trip to visit family, Elephant was lost. We know he was at the hotel for bedtime on our last night, but after that his whereabouts are unknown. We searched our luggage, the car, called family we had visited, even begged the hotel staff to search the room we stayed in. There was an APB out on this guy and he was nowhere to be found. 

 As one night turned into two, and three, and then a week, my poor little one’s world turned dark. We tried having her pick out a new stuffed elephant, but he wasn’t comfortable to sleep with and not soft enough. I searched the internet like a detective. I used all of the research skills I learned in school and found nothing. I was willing to buy a bulk case of stuffed elephants if I needed to, but could not for the life of me find the right elephant, they were all just a little different. I was convinced this toy wasn’t even in production anymore, I’m guessing if you buy toys in bulk for claw machines it doesn’t really matter to you if the toys are consistently the same. 

 Anyway, I’ve digressed. Every night at bed my sweet baby would cry and ask questions about Elephant. The teary questions started with the basics, did you check my carseat? Did you check this, did you check that? Then as the days went by they evolved to, WHERE is Elephant if he’s not at the hotel, etc.? Is he ok? What is he doing without me to snuggle with? Who is taking care of him? And by the end of the first week, we started discussing what would happen if we never find him? Would he be ok? Would someone find him and love him? How will I sleep if I don’t have him? Will I ever have another best friend like him? The progression of her questions and realizations couldn’t help but remind me of my own when processing loss I’ve experienced. And in those moments with my grieving daughter, I realized that the process is truly the same, the stakes are very different, but the processing of grief and loss is the same for all of us. 

 So while I was able to recognize that this was a good life lesson, a chance to prepare us for the loss of a pet, and one day the inevitable loss of a human loved one, I couldn’t help but grieve with her and yes even shed a tear or two for Elephant myself. In that moment, my little one reminded me that grief and trauma really are in the eye of the beholder. We all feel grief, we all feel trauma, and while some of us may judge our grief as more or less than others, it doesn’t change it. Grief is grief and who are we to judge the experience of anyone else. 

 I challenge you to remember this the next time your child loses their toy, or pet, or has some sort of loss in their life that you or I may judge as “minimal”. If it is trauma and grief for your child, then it is trauma and grief, and how you teach them to deal with it will determine how they do so when the stakes are in fact higher. 

Side note: After almost two weeks of my heart being ripped out every night with the cries of a 4-year old grieving, I returned to the chaotic birthday party place on a weekday morning with my wallet in hand on the off chance that machine was still there. If it was, and by some miracle those elephants were still inside, I wasn’t leaving that place without one! I walked in, bought a $30 play-card, and headed to the machine. Yes now in hindsight I realize I should’ve checked first to see if he was there before buying the card. BUT the machine was still there and no joke there was ONE last elephant inside on the top of the pile. I wish now that I would’ve taken a picture of the machine for this blog. After trying several times and realizing that the claw wasn’t actually closing and there was no way I’d ever get him out, I looked around for a manger. I briefly wondered to myself how much I was actually willing to offer this person, whobI could only assume would be a 20-something without kids, to let me buy that elephant. I spotted a woman at the prize counter and figured I might as well start with her. After telling her that I realized my story was crazy but I was going to tell it anyway, I went into the Life and Loss of Elephant. When I was done, she reached down grabbed a key, said “I have a little girl too, I get it, just don’t tell my boss”, went over to the machine opened it up, and handed me the elephant. WHAT?!?!? Seriously?!?!?! It was that easy?!?! Was this woman for real? I offered her money, I offered her what was left on my play-card, NOTHING she wouldn’t take a thing. She got it, she understood the grief my little one was going through, and in 2 minutes she helped her start to heal. 

When my little one saw new Elephant, she just stared, I wasn’t sure if she was going to cry and be upset or squeal and love him forever. She immediately took the tag off of him, handed it to me, put him under her arm, and went back to what she was doing. All was right with the world. After a little bit, once she had processed his return, we talked about new Elephant and how he was most likely original Elephant’s brother. He would love her just the way the original one did, and surely already knew all about her. And while we still discuss original Elephant and his whereabouts on a daily basis, somehow being able to love again has made the hurt dissipate and the healing process begin.

And just in case you were wondering, new Elephant has been outfitted with a GPS tracking chip, the kind you use to prevent losing your keys, thanks to a Grandma with a lot of patience and some serious stuffed animal surgery skills! 

By Katherine Biggs, MSCP

Increasing Community Education Around Suicide

Growing up in Silicon Valley near Palo Alto, which at the time of my adolescents had the highest rates of suicide among the age group 10-24 year olds in the county, drove me to study suicidality. The stress of growing up in an academically competitive community weighed on all of us, and unfortunately this stress leads some individuals to end their life. I think we all wonder at one time or another when these things happen in our communities what we can do to make a difference. Some of the questions that pop up for me are: what could have been done to help this individual; and, did anyone notice any changes to this individuals’ behavior, but didn’t know that was a sign of a bigger problem? Growing suicide rates among the adolescent population is a detrimental issue that many communities are struggling to address. According to data collected by the CDC (2016), suicide is the second leading cause of death for 10-34 year olds. On top of this, a report by National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH; 2018) indicated that the rates of suicide increased by 28% from 1999 to 2016. But what can we as communities do to help identify and refer individuals to the necessary resources?

One of the gaps that could be addressed in many communities is the lack of community gatekeepers. Gatekeepers are individuals within the community, like teachers and parents, that receive basic training in how to notice possible symptoms of suicidality among students. Studies have shown that gatekeeper training programs increase skills, attitudes, and knowledge around suicide (Isaac et al., 2009). Gatekeeper training generally involves five phases of preparing, connecting, understanding, assisting, and networking (Isaacs et al. 2009) that are designed to give participants a chance to express their own feelings towards suicide and practice gatekeeping skills like detection and referrals. Increasing knowledge around suicidal ideation can increase the feeling of comfort in having conversations about suicide. It is important that we, as a society, talk openly about suicidal ideation so that individuals do not feel stigmatized when they express these thoughts to others. Decreasing stigmatization around suicidal ideation would open-up a dialogue where individuals suffering from these thoughts have a safe space to express their feelings and seek treatment. 

The lack of conversations around suicidal ideation and suicide cause individuals to feel as though they are outliers when they have suicidal thoughts. It is important that we increase education around suicidal ideation and suicide. Mental health education inside of schools could be a crucial prevention strategy for many students. In 2016, New York signed into law bill A03887B which stated that all school districts in New York needed to update their health education to include education around mental health. Psychologists agree that this is a monumental step in preventative education that could greatly impact students. The guidelines for creating curriculum around mental health include addressing the necessity and benefits of self-care; how to identify early signs of mental health problems and crises; and appropriate resources to turn to if you know you are facing a mental health problem. New York is on the cutting edge of preventative education with this initiative, and I’m excited to see the outcomes of this program in the future.

Unfortunately, not many communities, let alone states, are ready for big institutional changes like New York. Many communities are in the preplanning stage of taking preventative action against suicide (Cureton et al., 2018). The preplanning stage indicates that communities have “basic awareness” of the problem, but do not know what steps need to be taken to resolve the issue. That brings me to my final suggestion, increasing general awareness around the prevalence of suicidal ideation and suicide. Take the time to find out how prevalent suicide is in your community and what steps have been taken in an effort to prevent future suicides. Talk with the local school psychologist about what they have seen and how you can identify signs of potential suicidality. When opportunities arise for community discussion around suicide be apart of the conversation and change. We call all find some way to contribute to prevention strategies.

I encourage individuals to research, discuss, and ask professionals about suicidal ideation and how to become more aware of warning signs. Take the time to discuss the topic with friends and family to let them know you are an ally in times of need. Provide resources to those who are struggling and make yourself more aware of your local resources, like local counselors and crisis lines. Starting at the basics with just informing yourself and others of the available resources can help a lot. Lastly, do not be afraid to ask non-judgmentally about suicidality with family members and friends. One of the worst things we can do is make it seem like talking about suicide can cause suicide. Having an open dialogue is the only way we can be aware of how someone is truly feeling and help each other through these tough times.

References:

Center for Disease Control Prevention. (2016). Ten leading causes of death by age group, United States- 2016. Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/suicide/statistics/index.html

Cureton, J. L., Clemens, E. V., Henninger, J., & Couch, C. (2018). Pre-professional Suicide Training for Counselors: Results of a Readiness Assessment. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 1-14.

Isaac, M., Elias, B., Katz, L.Y., Belik, S.L., Deane, F.P., Enns, M.W., Sareen, J., & The Swampy Cree Suicide Prevention Team (12 members). (2009). Gatekeeper training as a preventative intervention for suicide: A systematic review. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, 54(4), 260-268.

National Institute of Mental Health. (2018). Suicide. National Institute of Mental Health. Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/suicide.shtml

By Sarah Munoz, PhD student in Counseling Psychology at the University of Northern Colorado

Sarah received BAs in psychology and sociology from the University of Colorado, Boulder. Currently, she is a PhD student at the University of Northern Colorado studying counseling psychology. Her research interests include micro-expression detection, as well as suicidal ideation and substance abuse in the college population. Additionally, she subscribes to the theoretical orientations of Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, with a client-centered approach to therapy. 

Tidying Up Your Mental Health

Like millions of Netflix subscribers, I have been glued to my screen watching Marie Kondo tidy up the lives of her devoted fans over the last few weeks. Not only did the debut of her show coincide with the start of a new year (it’s almost like Netflix planned it that way) and all of the resolutions that come with that, but it also happened to enter my life at a time where I was looking for renewed motivation towards personal growth. 

How you ask does a house organizing show motivate personal growth? My answer, get to know Marie and you will probably understand. Her tips and strategies teach great basic behaviors, but her tag line “does it spark joy” elevates her teachings to a new level – whether she realizes it or not (personally I’m not sure, I tend to think she just really likes to organize messes). 

 Now I have not read her book, and honestly don’t know much about her as a person, other than what I have learned from the show and perusing her website. But my “reader’s digest version” is this, her students are asked to essentially look at each and every single item in their lives and ask themselves “does this spark joy”? If yes, then you keep it, if no then you thank the item and say good-bye.

 Not long into the first episode it becomes evident that the premise has more to do with relationships than tiny folded t-shirts. But DAMN, can that lady fold a shirt! I mean seriously, how have I lived almost 40 years without knowing how to do this correctly! I’ve digressed. Clearly the emotion, the relationships, the meaning put into the tiny t-shirts and household items, is more than the clutter they have produced. 

So, what does KonMari (that’s what she calls her techniques) have to do with mental health and personal growth? Well personally it has motivated me to ask myself “does this spark joy” in all aspects of my life, not just in my closet or kitchen pantry. However, I’m working on those too.

When thinking about something that is causing worry or anxiety, use finances for example, asking yourself when thinking about an expense “does this spark joy” can help determine whether or not the purchase is worth it. Will it “spark joy” or will it add to an increasing debt that only brings anxiety and tension into your marriage? Seems to me like a good way to start weeding out unnecessary expenses, as well as t-shirts, in life. 

 What about something a little more difficult, like the transition into life with a new baby. There are tons of mental-health minefields during this time, and asking yourself if it “sparks joy”’ may help you navigate. Does having perfectly organized bottles and drawers full of meticulously folded onsies “spark joy”, or does spending time snuggling with your new baby, or taking a few extra minutes for yourself over a cup of coffee “spark joy”? Everyone has a different answer at a different time, but you are the only one who knows what sparks joy for you. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that perfectly folded onsies aren’t a good joy sparker. I love a well-organized space, however that just might not be the BEST joy-sparker at this time. It’s up to you to ask yourself the big question and go from there. 

If you find yourself really struggling with whether or not something sparks joy or being able to say “thank you, bye-bye” to something, then maybe you’ve hit emotional gold. Why, what, when, where, are the questions to ask next. Why are you holding on to something if it doesn’t make you happy? What are you doing with it in your current life? When have you used it to spark joy? Where were you in life when the item was meaningful to you? 

 Unpacking your closet can really end up helping you unpack your head too. And if in this process you come across something that you need to work through, don’t hesitate to seek some support. Just like Marie and her pantry organizing strategies, there are lots of us out there that have emotion-organizing strategies …we just call it therapy and some of us even have really organized pantries too!  

By Katherine Biggs, MSCP 

Cultivating Gratitude

Often, activity which has the least gravity in our day to day life can contribute the most to our contentedness. 

My ears were cold as I peered up at the dismal lack of canopy in the deciduous woods while I hiked. I observed the brown craggily branches ahead of the robins blue egg sky. Pennsylvania had been gifted with a cool, instead of a cold day, in January. 

It’s the next day during my routine and I stare up at the clock, expecting seven hours to pass during the moment of my glance. Emily Dickinson once referred to time as balls of yarn that could be stowed away in a chest. This metaphor of time as a linear passing thing that can stretch out both before and behind us initially horrified me. “Why don’t I paint anymore?” I mused to myself. I had once painted a squid stuck inside of a gum ball machine. I can remember coating my brush in a mash up of random raw paints, followed by an in concise drag across the canvas. I took such a pleasure in spreading paints all of the canvas as I mixed them into a coherent color and shape as I went. I was not particularly good at painting. Any image I had in my mind never quite turned out, though I so loved the process. The beauty of painting was that I did it not so much for the questionable result, but rather the pleasure in the act itself, and its required time and focus.  

My coworker interrupts my nostalgia to tell me about her son’s glasses and I decide to attend to this conversation. In these pensive moments during my life, I hope to stand still on that piece of yarn that is time. Life demands me and while it’s not painting, I choose to savor the task.

I remind myself to not wish seven hours way, to set down my phone for longer than I hold it and most importantly to take pleasure in the present and my attention as to cultivate constant gratitude for this thing we call life.

By Hannah Whitman, LPC

What's Next?

It’s that time again. Seniors are applying for colleges, waiting for acceptance letters, visiting campuses, re-taking their SATs, and making the final push towards the next step. For so many seniors, the bulk of that work is done. Some have started the applications and some have even sent them in. But not everyone has gotten that far. For some of these kids on the threshold of adulthood, just the thought of having to make such a big decision can paralyze them with fear. These are the kids whose parents try to help and are met with “maybe…” and “I don’t know…”. Parents are left to worry- will they make a decision or will they be left behind? If you are one of those parents, don’t panic. There are things you can do to help guide them towards the choice that is right for them.

First, consider why your child might be stuck. Sometimes asking can get you an actual answer, but more often it will be met with “I don’t know”. So, you’ll have to put on your detectives’ hat and see if you can figure it out. Think about your teen and what you know about how they’ve handled choices in the past. Have they always been slow to make a choice, but eventually come around? If so, continue to monitor and provide your gentle reminders and suggestions, but allow them space to go through their process. Have they always needed you to make the final decision? If so, try discussing this with them, and work on teaching them how to weigh pros and cons and make choices. These situations will come up again, and soon you won’t be able to make the choices for them. 

If your child is one who usually has no problem making decisions, or if they are one who is prone to anxiety (I know, two total opposites), I would recommend that you consider a more in-depth chat with your Senior to find the root of the problem. Let them know that sometimes this happens in the adult world, and help them work through their roadblock. Work with them to make a list of their worries and help them reframe them into more realistic pros and cons.

Some kids worry that this choice might define them, or that if they are unhappy with it they will be unable to make a change. Some worry about being away or making you unhappy. Some just don’t like making choices. Whatever the situation, let your teen know you are there to help them with this choice and teach them skills so they can make life decisions in their adult life. And, as always, if things feel overwhelming or out of the ordinary, contact someone who can help.

By Lindsay Brunswick, LPC

Grieving the Tragedy in Mister Rogers Neighborhood

I was born and raised in Pittsburgh. I know what it means to stove my finger and redd up my room. I love Mister Rogers, not just because he was a TV character from my childhood, but because he changed my neighborhood. I always knew Mister Rogers was from Pittsburgh, my city, my neighborhood, even if I didn’t grow up down the street from him. I believed that the lessons he taught and the neighbors he introduced me to, neighbors of color, neighbors with disabilities, neighbors who were different from me, were actually my neighbors and people I may meet one day. Mister Rogers expanded my view of my neighborhood and the world. This past Saturday challenged that belief to the core, as we saw tragedy hit our neighborhood, Mister Rogers neighborhood. 

Like most Pittsburghers, I know and love Squirrel Hill, the quiet neighborhood where Saturday’s tragedy occurred. I’ve spent countless hours in the coffee shops and stores on the main street. I went to graduate school about a mile from where the shooting occurred. I know the neighbors of Squirrel Hill, I know the first responders, I know the doctors and nurses caring for the victims. They are my neighbors, this is my city. 

The nation watched as Pittsburgh did what we are best at, being neighbors, being helpers. Every first responder in the county showed up to help, every neighbor available was there in the cold and rain to lend support, every Pittsburgher was affected by this horrible act of hate and violence. And from what I know about us, what Mister Rogers taught me, is that we will not stand for this, not in our neighborhood not in our world. 

As we begin to process the devastation of what happened Saturday morning, of the loss and shock we are all feeling, remember it is important now to allow yourself to feel the pain. We must allow the emotions, the pain, so that we can eventually process the grief of what we have experienced. We must continue to do what we are good at, being there for each other, being good neighbors. 

We will not allow hate to win, we are the Steel City known for our Steel Curtain, and I challenge all of us to use that famous Pittsburgh Steel Curtain to stop the hate. 

If you, or someone you know, need extra support right now we are here for you. Congruence Counseling is offering free grief sessions this week for anyone affected. Contact us, we’re here to help, we are your neighbors and we will get through this…together.  

By Katherine Biggs, MSCP

Journal Your Way To A Better Day

“Are you journaling?” I ask everyone during those first getting-to-know-you sessions. This is frequently met with some sort of eye-roll, sigh, adamant “NO”, or half-hearted reasons why not. I ask my clients to try. To trust me that it can, at worst, be a tool for use in session to remember things that occurred. At best, it can change your views of yourself and your life experiences, providing a long list of benefits. I explain that journaling is a place to write down your thoughts, feelings and experiences without judgement, giving you the chance to look at them from different angles and the opportunity to think about them from a distance. Most do try, and those that do always tell me later that it helped them learn about themselves.

The benefits of journaling are many. Journaling can help manage anxiety, reduce stress, and cope with depression. It improves your mood by helping you prioritize issues, tracking patterns, and providing an opportunity for positive self-talk and identifying negative thoughts and behaviors. Journaling can help you identify what’s causing your negative feelings and work out a plan. And all of that without the worry of someone judging you. Which means you can be completely honest. It can help you get to know yourself in new ways and see yourself in a new light.

“BUT IT TAKES TOO MUCH TIME AND I’M SO BUSY!” You say. Trust me, I understand. That’s why I am going to tell you all you need is two minutes. You can, of course, write for longer. But even two minutes can allow you to reap many of the benefits I mentioned.

If you are struggling to come up with what to write, here are some easy and quick options:

• List 3 good things- this is a great option for people who tend to be negative. It reinforces that some things ARE good.

• List 3 thoughts - a way for you to look for patterns in your thinking.

• List 5 words to describe the day- a bit more abstract, but an enjoyable way to track your feelings and thoughts.

• Write about one moment- literally. Just one moment of the day. It doesn’t have to be important.

• Dream Theme- If you are a person who remembers their dreams, jot down a few quick themes from your dreams when you wake up. Not full scenarios, but brief snippets. It can help you see the thoughts and feelings you aren’t dealing with during the day.

• Status update- imagine your journal is the non-judgmental social media venue of your choice. Write a status update every day. Since nobody but you will see these, it’s an opportunity to say whatever you want. 

• Tell a story- write in the third person. This removes our own personal judgements about ourselves and can lead to new insights and feelings.

Happy Journaling!

By Lindsay Brunswick, LPC

Parents Just Don't Understand!

It seems that children and teens telling their parents “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND” is timeless. The rallying call for kids who feel unfairly punished, misunderstood, or overprotected. Parents often respond with “I remember what it was like to feel like that” or “I remember how it felt to be a teenager”. And in some ways, you do. Maybe you remember the sting of unrequited young love or the frustration of being told you can’t do something you feel like everyone else is allowed to do. But in some ways, you don’t. Memories aren’t untouched by age- perspective based on our life experiences changes what we think and feel about our memories, thus creating new insights and altering our remembered experience.

When I was in 7th grade my science teacher took some of his students on camping trips. It was a well-known event, chaperoned by a few teachers and highly anticipated by any student lucky enough to land in his class. But my parents would not let me go. I remember feeling jealous and frustrated- like my parents were unreasonable and I was the ONLY ONE missing out. At the time I was INTENSELY upset. But those memories are now accompanied with feelings of confusion about how those trips ever got approved, and understanding as a parent why my parents were not about to let their 12-year-old daughter stay overnight in tents in the woods with a man they didn’t really know. So, when my child is upset that I won’t let him do something and I say “I remember what its like to not get to do the thing your friends get to do” it is always followed by “but you will understand why someday”. And whether I say the but out loud or not doesn’t matter- it’s there. That but means I don’t actually remember how he feels. I can access the memory, yes. But the feeling is not the same.

Everything you have experienced changes your perspective. It alters your feelings about everything that came before. And the world changes, so living in it actually is different from one generation to the next- just another way our perspectives effect our memories and feelings. We remember through the lens of being of an adult, not with the intensity and urgency of childhood. And our kids feel it in the way we say “I know”, and they don’t believe us. Because we don’t know in the truest sense, and that creates frustration, mistrust, and an even greater feeling of being misunderstood. 

So, what can you say when you are told “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND”? You can start with “you are right, but I want to” and then maybe “why don’t you tell me about it”. Then listen. Acknowledge their feelings. It likely won’t (and most of the time shouldn’t) change your position or decisions as a parent, but it may create an open dialogue and a better relationship between you and your kids. 

By Lindsay Brunswick, LPC

A Better Relationship With Your Teen

Over the past 13 years I have worked with a lot of teenagers. They come from all different backgrounds and family structures and have all kinds of different reasons for finding themselves in my office. Some are open and eager to share, and with others it’s a long slow road of trust building. But eventually we build a relationship and I find myself in an interesting position of being an adult that teenagers feel like they can talk to without repercussion or judgement. One thing I hear all the time is that parents want to be that person. They want their kids to tell them things and it isn’t happening. 

But why? We hear about these parents who are best friends with their teens and think Why not me? What can I do?  Ask yourself these questions:

 Am I trying too hard? Nothing sends a teenager running faster than being cornered for deep conversations or being questioned. Try more casual conversation situations- driving in the car, doing chores, or any activity where they have something to do that doesn’t involve deep meaningful eye contact.  Ask a benign question. Then stop and move on. Build slowly over time. Don’t expect the world in one night.

Am I really listening? We have opinions. They are informed by years of life experience- something your teen does not have. They need to have those life experiences to learn what we already know, and we can’t make them understand with words. Listen to what they are saying. Ask yourself why they might be sharing this with you. Try to offer support and advice in a judgement-free way. If they haven’t asked your opinion, ask if they want to know what you think.

Am I anger panicking? If you are lucky enough to get a real piece of information, do you immediately panic and start making rules and giving consequences? Take a deep breath. When our kids tell us things that worry us, we sometimes create a catastrophe scenario in our heads and then punish them as if the worst has happened in hopes that we can somehow stop it. But that just tells kids that we will punish them harshly for small things- which means we will never hear about the big things. So, when rules and consequences are needed, stay calm and be reasonable. Punish the actual offense and not your fears for the future.

Now, I am going to be very honest: Sometimes, there isn’t anything you can do to become their confidant. Some kid’s personalities just don’t mesh that way with their parents. Just like you don’t want to be best friends with everyone you meet, your kids don’t either. And sometimes that includes you. Remember that they are young, and they will change, and so will your relationship. Make yourself available, so that if they change their mind, they know you are waiting.

By Lindsay Brunswick, LPC

Am I to Blame?

We have all heard, and know, that parenting is rewarding. But it’s also hard and stressful sometimes (okay- A LOT of the time). And that is when kids are behaving. Add in tantrums, poor listening skills and sibling rivalry, and parenting can be downright exhausting! Unfortunately, we live in a time where society (read: random strangers) blames parents for misbehaving children. Because of this, parents often feel judged, embarrassed, or ashamed when their child misbehaves in public. Grocery store outings, playdates, and Sunday’s at church become dreadful, anxiety producing events that should be otherwise pleasant and enjoyable.  

“Am I a bad parent?” “Did I cause this?” I get asked these questions a lot. The first thing I want you to know if you are asking yourself questions like these (believe me, you are not alone) is that you are NOT to blame for your child’s behaviors. I wish that was enough to convince you, though. Sure, there are do's and don’ts of parenting, but there is no handbook, and even common sense won’t get you very far. Get rid of the assumption that you are a bad parent if you just can’t get your child to listen, or stop hitting, or stop swearing. If he or she tantrums for what seems like hours. If when you tell them “no” or “stop” the behavior gets worse. You are not a bad parent—you’re stuck. Let’s be honest: you love your children. That’s a given. But it’s hard to enjoy them when you are stuck in a downward spiral of misbehaviors and failed attempts at discipline. The first step in getting unstuck is learning what kind of a parent you are. How do you showlove? How do you do structure and discipline?

Diana Baumrind introduced parenting styles in the 1960’s: Authoritarian, Authoritative, and Permissive. Is one style preferable over another? When it comes to a harmonious parent-child relationship, the short answer is yes. We have all heard the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Just as Goldilocks found the “just right” bed, there too is a “just right” style of parenting that focuses on enjoying your children and helping them to behave better. 

Authoritarian parents are those who create a lot of structure and discipline, and have high expectations for their children, while providing little warmth, love and affection. This is the “too hard” of parenting styles. Permissive parents are those who create environments full of love and warmth, but have very little rules and expectations, and either don’t discipline, or don’t follow through with consequences. This is the “too soft” of parenting styles. Authoritative parenting balances the two: Children are provided with expectations and structure, and discipline is effective due to follow-through, but they are also shown warmth, are given positive affirmations, and are praised for good behavior. Authoritative parents also provide space for creativity and individuality, while maintaining boundaries. 

Finding this balance can be hard to do, especially when you’ve been stuck in a pattern of interaction for so long. But it is possible. You can find you’re “just right” style, the language and techniques that work for you. You can feel in control again. You can feel comfortable out in public. Most of all, you can feel confident as a parent and enjoy your time with your child while you’re at it. 

By Melissa Craig, MSCP

Is This Normal?

I get this question almost daily. Clients, friends, family members, even strangers who find out I am a therapist that works with children and teenagers ask if the undesirable thing their child is doing is “normal”. I assume that most of the time they mean typical- as in, part of the generally accepted process of child development and a thing most kids do and go through. Whether or not something is typical is a usually straight forward question, and when the answer is yes, most people are at ease. But what if the behavior isn’t typical.Can it still be normal? What does normal even mean? And what if its normal but still undesirable? How do you know something is truly a problem?

I try to encourage everyone to think of the word normal as a relative word. What is normal for each child may be different based on their individual personalities, development, medical/psychological diagnoses, and the specific situations the behaviors appear in. For example, if your child has always been an engaging and social person and suddenly becomes socially withdrawn and quiet- that is likely not normal. But if your child has always been quiet and shy, these behaviors are not as concerning. If your child has always been well behaved and emotionally under control and begins breaking rules and showing rageful behaviors, that is likely not “normal”. But if they had behavioral issues and threw intense temper tantrums when they were young, then these behaviors are more understandable (though obviously not desirable). 

When you are asking if your child’s behavior is problematic, it’s important to look at them as a whole, including their previous behavior. Its best to ask yourself these three questions:

(1)  Is this behavior undesirable in such a way that it is hurting my child, their future, or our family?

(2)  Is this behavior outside of what is typical and the generally expected steps of development?

(3)  Is this behavior abnormal for my child?

If you find yourself answering yes to anyof those questions, don’t panic. Your counselor or doctor can help you figure out what needs to be done to best help your child so that your family can find its own normal.

By Lindsay Brunswick, LPC

The Terribly Terrific Transition into Motherhood

Transitions are a part of everyday life. We transition into new jobs, schools, homes, relationships. You name it and we have probably transitioned into it at some point. You would be hard pressed though to find a transition more difficult, more life changing, more emotional, and more impactful than the transition into motherhood.

With women starting families later in life, the transition into motherhood can be even more difficult than what has been experienced in generations before us. Women today have careers, homes, friends, charitable responsibilities, family commitments, etc. well before they even begin to consider adding a baby into the mix. Those accountabilities are what go into the “mom” we eventually become, logistically and existentially, but they also make that transition even more impactful. In turn more and more women are struggling with the adjustment into life as “mom”, as well as the anxiety, guilt, and unknown that are natural components of the job. 

Let’s break it down. As a mom you are sent home, bruised and battered, from the hospital with a brand-spanking new little angel to raise and protect. Within the first few hours, your new bundle-of-joy begins to test your knowledge, stamina, and willpower, and they do not stop until…. well, actually now that I think about it, do they ever stop? Please do not get me wrong, kids and motherhood are amazing. Being “mom” is the greatest job I have, and will ever have in my life. It is rewarding, inspiring, and truly teaches you the important things in life. But it is tough. The job is tough. The transition is tough. The loss of control over your schedule, your life, is tough.

In the end, the sooner we recognize that the transition into motherhood is not all rainbows and kisses; it is lonely, frightening, and exhausting beyond reason; the sooner we will be able to support and nurture new moms during their transition. 

By Katherine Biggs, MSCP

Teaching Our Children to Care for their Inner Introvert or Extrovert

Is your child an introvert or an extrovert? Many people believe that these terms relate to how socially comfortable someone is. Instead, they are actually the two poles on a scale of how we recharge our brains. Kids, like adults, need to learn to take care of themselves and it is up to parents and caregivers to teach children about how to care for their personality battery. 

First, you will need to help determine your child’s tendencies. Keep in mind that children’s personalities are flexible, and what recharges them now may not later, so you don’t need a label. Observe how they behave after playing alone or with others, in environments with both high and low stimulation. Teach them about how these situations affect their mood. Ask questions that increase their self-awareness, and provide activities that meet their needs. 

At one end of the scale, we have introverts- people who feel refreshed and recharged by spending time alone. Introverts can feel exhausted in certain social situations, regardless of their comfort level. For children who are introverts, there are things you can do to help care for them. Don’t encourage the idea that they might “miss out”. Respect their need to be alone. Allow them to observe in social situations and highly stimulating environments. Don’t reinforce the need for a large friend group- instead encourage them to find a few friends who they are very comfortable with. Provide breaks and the ability to remove themselves from high stimulation situations. Help them find activities and hobbies that nurture their need for solitude. 

At the other end, we have extroverts- people who feel refreshed and recharged by spending time in social situations. Extroverts can feel like the energy has been sucked out of them when they’ve spent too much time alone. For children who are extroverts, the things you can do to help care for them are very different. Respect their desire to share and be boisterous. Encourage their enthusiasm. Allow them to explore and jump in to new situations. Understand that they may find solitary, low stimulation activities “boring”. Provide opportunities to be busy and stimulated. Help them find hobbies and activities that are social and highly stimulating.

Many people are not all one or the other. In the middle we have ambiverts- people who need a balance of alone time and social time to charge their batteries. If you imagine it as a 1-10 scale, introverts would be a 1, ambiverts a 5, and extroverts a 10. Anyone can fall anywhere on the scale. Some children may need a mix of both stimulating/social activities and solitary/low stimulation activities to meet their needs.

Whatever their personality type, acknowledging, accepting, and helping your child explore what makes them feel their best can provide limitless benefits for their happiness.

By Lindsay Brunswick, LPC 

What About the Babies? From the Ad Hoc Committee of the Alliance for the Advancement of Infant Mental Health

The Alliance for the Advancement of Infant Mental Health posted this last week, and I think it's important to share with you. 

What About the Babies?
A Plea to Stop Separating Infants and Toddlers from their Parents/Guardians When Seeking Safety at the Border

The Alliance for the Advancement of Infant Mental Health (Alliance) is a national and international organization whose vision is for all babies and young children to begin their lives with stable and responsive care giving relationships. Its leadership firmly opposes separating very young immigrant children from their parents or guardians. When separated from their parents or caregivers, babies experience stress that is significantly toxic to their wellbeing. Victims of exceptionally harmful stress during infancy and early childhood, these young children are sentenced to a life of increased risk for poor cognitive, physical, social and mental health outcomes. 
 
Because we are a nation that has historically valued children as our most important resource, it is especially shocking that immigration authorities have separated thousands of young children, some 18 months of age or younger, from their families when they arrive at the U.S. Border, with increasingly explicit policies and practices.  
 
As our federal administration fixes its attention on the adults in these immigrant families, we must ask: What about the babies? What happens to them when taken away from their parents or guardians and placed in detention centers or in random, foster care settings? What support is offered to foster parents, already under duress and in short supply due to the opioid crisis[1]? How do we meet the cultural and language needs of very young children without input from their families? What about the separated babies of asylum seeking immigrant families fleeing violence in their home country, already carrying the experience of severe trauma exposure in their small bodies and brains? The zero-tolerance policy unnecessarily traumatizes babies and toddlers who depend on their parents or guardians for safety and security. When removed, these young children are placed at immediate physical, social, and emotional risk. 
 
Why? The parent-child relationship provides safety, comfort, and security, promoting good physical and mental health not only in the early years but across the lifespan. Grief following a baby’s displacement leads to prolonged sorrow, and despair surrounds the loss of a young child’s parents or guardians. The baby or toddler may shut down emotionally, losing capacities in all areas of development without access to their familiar, primary caregivers to buffer their stress.  Scientific studies provide evidence that adverse experiences (including traumatic separation from caregivers in the early years) are likely to lead to significant developmental delays and behavioral disturbances in early childhood, and contribute to psychological distress, anxiety, and depression[2], as well as long-term physical[3]and mental health risks throughout the lifespan. 
 
Consider this young family: A mother and her 18-month old baby seeking refuge were stopped at the border. Without explanation, the border patrol removed the baby, placed him in a government car and whisked him away to a community facility where he would remain for an undetermined length of time. In one short moment, he lost his mother. What memories will he carry about such an abrupt and cruel separation? How will he process what he does not yet have the language to understand? Who will help him grieve his loss, comfort and contain his sorrow, and manage his fear? Will he be able to form trusting relationships or depend on future caregivers? How is this better than the potentially impoverished and chaotic environment from which his mother was seeking refuge?
 
Knowing what we know about the importance of the protective, parenting relationship to health and growth, and the consequences of early and abrupt separation, it is clearly cruel and inhumane to continue a policy that separates babies from parents or guardians at our border. We implore the Department of Homeland Security to utilize the decades of literature regarding traumatic caregiver separation as a significant risk factor for very young children and change this policy so that border authorities prioritize babies’ and children's needs for emotional and physical safety and ensure that no young child is separated at the U.S. Border from his or her parents, guardians, or significant caregivers. 
 
Alliance Ad Hoc Committee:
 
Joy V. Browne, PhD, PCNS-BC, IMH-E®
Jean M. Cimino, MPH, IMH-E®
Sarah Fitzgibbons, LMHC, MT-BC, IMH-E®
Margaret Holmberg, PhD, IMH-E®
Joaniko Kohchi, MPhil, LCSW, IMH-E®
Ashley McCormick, LMSW, IMH-E®
Nichole Paradis, LMSW, IMH-E®
Megan M. Smith, LCAT, MT-BC, IMH-E®
Deborah Weatherston, PhD, IMH-E®

[1]https://consumer.healthday.com/general-health-information-16/drug-abuse-news-210/the-opioid-crisis-hidden-victims-children-in-foster-care-729966.html
 

[2]https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/deep-dives/mental-health/
 

[3]https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy.about.html

Let Them Fail

If you’ve read my blog before then you know I write about topics that cross between my personal and professional life, this one is no different. I’ve been having this conversation a lot lately, the “let them fail” conversation. However, this time it’s dedicated to all the moms out there who are struggling, as well as those who feel as though they’ve found their mom-stride, because we all need a little reminder sometime that we need to let them (our tiny and not-so-tiny humans) fail.

From the moment we find out we’re pregnant, we begin protecting our babies from hurt, pain, and sickness. We change our diets, our exercise, our homes, our lives to keep them safe and happy. Some of these changes are intentional and others are instinctual. We are designed both physically and emotionally to protect our babies, to keep them safe and healthy, from the womb throughout their lives. Research tells us that moms instinctually recognize the cries of their babies, and that adrenaline is more reactive to that crying than to the crying of other babies. We are literally designed to keep our babies alive and happy. 

This brings me to my point, if we are created to protect our babies, how do we know when it is time to let them fail? Presumably we all want to raise strong, happy, intelligent, empathetic humans who contribute to the betterment of the world. But if we are instinctually working tirelessly to protect them from harm from the time they are infants, how do we transition into allowing them to fail as children and teenagers?

Winston Churchill once said that, “true genius resides in the capacity for evaluation of uncertain, hazardous, and conflicting information”. Therefore, if we constantly protect our children from the uncertain, by doing things for them; the hazardous, by preventing them from leaving our “reach”, and conflicting information, by not allowing them to make their own decisions, if we do not agree with their choice; will we ever raise the little “genius” we all hope? 

Now I realize what I am saying is hard, really really really HARD, to do as a parent. I’m suggesting we let them fail the test instead of driving ourselves crazy reminding/nagging them to study. I’m suggesting we let them walk to school (if it’s safe, and they are old enough, of course), when they miss the bus. I’m suggesting we let them work conflict out with their siblings, instead of intervening in the situation. I’m also suggesting that we let them make their own decisions, teach them how to weigh the options, and let them enjoy the success of their choice or pay the consequences. I’m suggesting we do this so that when the world throws disappointment, conflict, hazard, and uncertainty at them, they are ready for it. 

We are constantly reminded that we do not live in a perfect world, and it’s getting scarier every day. Let them fail now while the consequences are relatively low; a bad grade on a high school test will not prevent them from becoming CEO; missing a game will not keep them from having a good work ethic; being fired from an after-school job will not prevent them from succeeding in life. In fact, the consequences of these situations may actually teach them a lot more about life, than any lecture we can give them. And in the end, wouldn’t we rather raise individuals that are able to solve their problems, and ask for help when needed, than a CEO who is suffering in silence from depression and anxiety?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve learned a lot more about life, relationships, career, and motivation from the mistakes I’ve made (and there were many), than I ever learned from a lecture my mom gave me (and there were many of those too). Sorry Mom. 

As we celebrated mom last weekend with Mother’s Day, let’s also take a minute to celebrate the fact that the job of Mom never ends. In fact, it gets harder, as she has to learn to fight against her natural instinct to protect her babies (no matter how old they are) and let them go to learn to listen to and grow their own instincts. As hard as those lessons may be, those are the ones that will get them through the negativity the world is guaranteed to throw at them. So this week Mom’s, I challenge you to lovingly support your babies (no matter their age) by letting them fail while the stakes are still rather low, and you can still hold them in your arms while they cry. Enjoy that you are there to support them while they learn to support themselves.  

By Katherine Biggs, MSCP

Why Congruence? Just a reminder....

Since opening Congruence Counseling I’ve noticed that the first question people often ask is why the name “Congruence”. So it seemed natural to make my first blog post the answer to that question, “Why Congruence Counseling?”.

Throughout my life I learned, for various reasons, as we all do, to focus on my outward image and did not spend much time worrying about the person on the inside. I had a good career, a nice house, and great friends, but I wasn’t happy. I came to the conclusion that I was just one of those people who would never be happy, never be content, never be satisfied. Then I was introduced to the concept of congruence, and the world opened up to me. I was not only able to find happiness, but also meaning, and a second career along the way.

Congruence as a psychology term, according to Carl Rogers, refers to one’s ideal-self matching their actual behavior. In other words, feeling as though the person portrayed to the outside world is the same as, or congruent to, the person or feelings experienced on the inside.  Carl Rogers, the father of client-centered therapy, believed that without congruence one would not be able to reach full life potential.

I am certainly not an expert on Carl Rogers, or person-centered therapy. I actually take a more integrative approach and pull techniques and theories from multiple schools of thought depending on my client, but this was a concept that spoke to me. Moreover, incongruence or the lack of congruence, can cause anxiety, depression, shame, guilt, the list goes on. I agree with Rogers, congruence is key. It would be virtually impossible for someone to feel content in life and find meaningful happiness, when they are also feeling incongruent. 

This concept, congruence, not only helped me change my life, and myself but also inspired me to help others do the same. I’ve known from the moment that I set the goal of having my own practice; the word congruence would be incorporated. Therefore, Congruence Counseling seemed like the perfect fit.

Now how does all of this apply to YOU?

Well maybe it does, and maybe it doesn’t. Perhaps you are at a point in life where you are content, fulfilled, happy, and satisfied. If so, nice work, I am genuinely excited for you. But perhaps you are not. Do you feel anxious, depressed, lonely, or empty? Have you faced a loss, recently or even years ago, that still feels unsettled? Are you struggling, or know someone who is having a hard time?

If so, I’d like to help. Maybe not now, it might now be a great time for you, but is it EVER a good time? Aren’t you, or your loved one, worth the effort? I’m available for individual and family sessions; there is no obligation or expectation. Come in and talk, if it doesn’t feel right to you, I will help you find a better fit either at Congruence Counseling, or somewhere else.

I honestly just want to help, and give back to my community. I was born and raised in the North Hills, I’m raising my family here, and my practice is here. I am heavily invested in the well being of this community, its families, and its people.

Have questions or topics you’d like me to explore? Send me a message; I want to hear your thoughts. 

By Katherine Biggs, MSCP

The Three A's of Forgiveness

The word forgive is defined as, to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake. Sounds pretty easy, right, just stop feeling angry. However, for most of us, forgiveness is one of, if not THE, most difficult thing to give as an adult. It was easier when we were kids, wasn’t it? Someone did something wrong to you, you got upset, they were forced by an adult to apologize, and we all went on our way. Well, here are a few tips to use when forgiveness doesn’t come as easy for you now as it did on the playground.

A is for Awareness.

Awareness, such a strong word. We would all like to think we are aware. Aware of the world around us, aware of ourselves and our motivations, aware of our spouses and children. But are we really? In a world filled with so many bright and shiny distractions, do we really take the time necessary to be aware? Especially when it comes to self-awareness, perhaps the most crucial part of good mental health, are we self-aware? Simply being aware that something, whether it happened yesterday or twenty years ago, is not sitting well with you or is upsetting you, can be the first step in the process of forgiveness. Often that first step of taking an emotional inventory, being aware of your feelings instead of caught up in the daily trials and tribulations of life, can be the most difficult.

A is for Acceptance.

Acceptance, the golden ring of “adulting”. Accepting the things we cannot change, whether we like them or not, can be downright maddening at times. Although let’s face it, it’s much easier to accept the things we like, than the ones we don’t. As big strong adults we often tell ourselves that we “should be better than that”, we “should be the bigger person”, and we “shouldn’t let things from the past bother us”. But in the end, we are human, and sometimes we are bothered by it, sometimes we can’t be the bigger person, and sometimes old stuff still upsets us…or upsets us again.

A is for Allowance.

Emotions are not good or bad, they are just emotions, they can’t be judged. But for some reason, we adults often feel as though being angry in certain situations is wrong, feeling sad over something means you have failed in some way, or disappointment should only be felt by children. The fact is again we are still human, we have hundreds of emotions running through our brains all day long, we just don’t often stop and take the time to really listen to what they are saying. Allowing your emotions to just “be” is one of the most powerful ways to find forgiveness. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling, without judgement, and then actually feel that emotion instead of pushing it away or ignoring it. One of the most self-destructive things we do for our lifelong mental health is ignoring, or attempting to block, our true emotions.

So whether you are trying to forgive your spouse for forgetting an anniversary, or that person from your past that left you with more scars than you are willing to show, the best way to do that is through healing. And no one has ever healed from anything by pretending it never happened, survived maybe, but not healed.

Happy adulting, it's tough out there, be brave. 

By Katherine Biggs, MSCP