Over the past 13 years I have worked with a lot of teenagers. They come from all different backgrounds and family structures and have all kinds of different reasons for finding themselves in my office. Some are open and eager to share, and with others it’s a long slow road of trust building. But eventually we build a relationship and I find myself in an interesting position of being an adult that teenagers feel like they can talk to without repercussion or judgement. One thing I hear all the time is that parents want to be that person. They want their kids to tell them things and it isn’t happening.
But why? We hear about these parents who are best friends with their teens and think Why not me? What can I do? Ask yourself these questions:
Am I trying too hard? Nothing sends a teenager running faster than being cornered for deep conversations or being questioned. Try more casual conversation situations- driving in the car, doing chores, or any activity where they have something to do that doesn’t involve deep meaningful eye contact. Ask a benign question. Then stop and move on. Build slowly over time. Don’t expect the world in one night.
Am I really listening? We have opinions. They are informed by years of life experience- something your teen does not have. They need to have those life experiences to learn what we already know, and we can’t make them understand with words. Listen to what they are saying. Ask yourself why they might be sharing this with you. Try to offer support and advice in a judgement-free way. If they haven’t asked your opinion, ask if they want to know what you think.
Am I anger panicking? If you are lucky enough to get a real piece of information, do you immediately panic and start making rules and giving consequences? Take a deep breath. When our kids tell us things that worry us, we sometimes create a catastrophe scenario in our heads and then punish them as if the worst has happened in hopes that we can somehow stop it. But that just tells kids that we will punish them harshly for small things- which means we will never hear about the big things. So, when rules and consequences are needed, stay calm and be reasonable. Punish the actual offense and not your fears for the future.
Now, I am going to be very honest: Sometimes, there isn’t anything you can do to become their confidant. Some kid’s personalities just don’t mesh that way with their parents. Just like you don’t want to be best friends with everyone you meet, your kids don’t either. And sometimes that includes you. Remember that they are young, and they will change, and so will your relationship. Make yourself available, so that if they change their mind, they know you are waiting.
By Lindsay Brunswick, LPC