We have all heard, and know, that parenting is rewarding. But it’s also hard and stressful sometimes (okay- A LOT of the time). And that is when kids are behaving. Add in tantrums, poor listening skills and sibling rivalry, and parenting can be downright exhausting! Unfortunately, we live in a time where society (read: random strangers) blames parents for misbehaving children. Because of this, parents often feel judged, embarrassed, or ashamed when their child misbehaves in public. Grocery store outings, playdates, and Sunday’s at church become dreadful, anxiety producing events that should be otherwise pleasant and enjoyable.
“Am I a bad parent?” “Did I cause this?” I get asked these questions a lot. The first thing I want you to know if you are asking yourself questions like these (believe me, you are not alone) is that you are NOT to blame for your child’s behaviors. I wish that was enough to convince you, though. Sure, there are do's and don’ts of parenting, but there is no handbook, and even common sense won’t get you very far. Get rid of the assumption that you are a bad parent if you just can’t get your child to listen, or stop hitting, or stop swearing. If he or she tantrums for what seems like hours. If when you tell them “no” or “stop” the behavior gets worse. You are not a bad parent—you’re stuck. Let’s be honest: you love your children. That’s a given. But it’s hard to enjoy them when you are stuck in a downward spiral of misbehaviors and failed attempts at discipline. The first step in getting unstuck is learning what kind of a parent you are. How do you showlove? How do you do structure and discipline?
Diana Baumrind introduced parenting styles in the 1960’s: Authoritarian, Authoritative, and Permissive. Is one style preferable over another? When it comes to a harmonious parent-child relationship, the short answer is yes. We have all heard the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Just as Goldilocks found the “just right” bed, there too is a “just right” style of parenting that focuses on enjoying your children and helping them to behave better.
Authoritarian parents are those who create a lot of structure and discipline, and have high expectations for their children, while providing little warmth, love and affection. This is the “too hard” of parenting styles. Permissive parents are those who create environments full of love and warmth, but have very little rules and expectations, and either don’t discipline, or don’t follow through with consequences. This is the “too soft” of parenting styles. Authoritative parenting balances the two: Children are provided with expectations and structure, and discipline is effective due to follow-through, but they are also shown warmth, are given positive affirmations, and are praised for good behavior. Authoritative parents also provide space for creativity and individuality, while maintaining boundaries.
Finding this balance can be hard to do, especially when you’ve been stuck in a pattern of interaction for so long. But it is possible. You can find you’re “just right” style, the language and techniques that work for you. You can feel in control again. You can feel comfortable out in public. Most of all, you can feel confident as a parent and enjoy your time with your child while you’re at it.
By Melissa Craig, MSCP