It seems that children and teens telling their parents “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND” is timeless. The rallying call for kids who feel unfairly punished, misunderstood, or overprotected. Parents often respond with “I remember what it was like to feel like that” or “I remember how it felt to be a teenager”. And in some ways, you do. Maybe you remember the sting of unrequited young love or the frustration of being told you can’t do something you feel like everyone else is allowed to do. But in some ways, you don’t. Memories aren’t untouched by age- perspective based on our life experiences changes what we think and feel about our memories, thus creating new insights and altering our remembered experience.
When I was in 7th grade my science teacher took some of his students on camping trips. It was a well-known event, chaperoned by a few teachers and highly anticipated by any student lucky enough to land in his class. But my parents would not let me go. I remember feeling jealous and frustrated- like my parents were unreasonable and I was the ONLY ONE missing out. At the time I was INTENSELY upset. But those memories are now accompanied with feelings of confusion about how those trips ever got approved, and understanding as a parent why my parents were not about to let their 12-year-old daughter stay overnight in tents in the woods with a man they didn’t really know. So, when my child is upset that I won’t let him do something and I say “I remember what its like to not get to do the thing your friends get to do” it is always followed by “but you will understand why someday”. And whether I say the but out loud or not doesn’t matter- it’s there. That but means I don’t actually remember how he feels. I can access the memory, yes. But the feeling is not the same.
Everything you have experienced changes your perspective. It alters your feelings about everything that came before. And the world changes, so living in it actually is different from one generation to the next- just another way our perspectives effect our memories and feelings. We remember through the lens of being of an adult, not with the intensity and urgency of childhood. And our kids feel it in the way we say “I know”, and they don’t believe us. Because we don’t know in the truest sense, and that creates frustration, mistrust, and an even greater feeling of being misunderstood.
So, what can you say when you are told “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND”? You can start with “you are right, but I want to” and then maybe “why don’t you tell me about it”. Then listen. Acknowledge their feelings. It likely won’t (and most of the time shouldn’t) change your position or decisions as a parent, but it may create an open dialogue and a better relationship between you and your kids.
By Lindsay Brunswick, LPC