If you’ve read my blog before then you know I write about topics that cross between my personal and professional life, this one is no different. I’ve been having this conversation a lot lately, the “let them fail” conversation. However, this time it’s dedicated to all the moms out there who are struggling, as well as those who feel as though they’ve found their mom-stride, because we all need a little reminder sometime that we need to let them (our tiny and not-so-tiny humans) fail.
From the moment we find out we’re pregnant, we begin protecting our babies from hurt, pain, and sickness. We change our diets, our exercise, our homes, our lives to keep them safe and happy. Some of these changes are intentional and others are instinctual. We are designed both physically and emotionally to protect our babies, to keep them safe and healthy, from the womb throughout their lives. Research tells us that moms instinctually recognize the cries of their babies, and that adrenaline is more reactive to that crying than to the crying of other babies. We are literally designed to keep our babies alive and happy.
This brings me to my point, if we are created to protect our babies, how do we know when it is time to let them fail? Presumably we all want to raise strong, happy, intelligent, empathetic humans who contribute to the betterment of the world. But if we are instinctually working tirelessly to protect them from harm from the time they are infants, how do we transition into allowing them to fail as children and teenagers?
Winston Churchill once said that, “true genius resides in the capacity for evaluation of uncertain, hazardous, and conflicting information”. Therefore, if we constantly protect our children from the uncertain, by doing things for them; the hazardous, by preventing them from leaving our “reach”, and conflicting information, by not allowing them to make their own decisions, if we do not agree with their choice; will we ever raise the little “genius” we all hope?
Now I realize what I am saying is hard, really really really HARD, to do as a parent. I’m suggesting we let them fail the test instead of driving ourselves crazy reminding/nagging them to study. I’m suggesting we let them walk to school (if it’s safe, and they are old enough, of course), when they miss the bus. I’m suggesting we let them work conflict out with their siblings, instead of intervening in the situation. I’m also suggesting that we let them make their own decisions, teach them how to weigh the options, and let them enjoy the success of their choice or pay the consequences. I’m suggesting we do this so that when the world throws disappointment, conflict, hazard, and uncertainty at them, they are ready for it.
We are constantly reminded that we do not live in a perfect world, and it’s getting scarier every day. Let them fail now while the consequences are relatively low; a bad grade on a high school test will not prevent them from becoming CEO; missing a game will not keep them from having a good work ethic; being fired from an after-school job will not prevent them from succeeding in life. In fact, the consequences of these situations may actually teach them a lot more about life, than any lecture we can give them. And in the end, wouldn’t we rather raise individuals that are able to solve their problems, and ask for help when needed, than a CEO who is suffering in silence from depression and anxiety?
I don’t know about you, but I’ve learned a lot more about life, relationships, career, and motivation from the mistakes I’ve made (and there were many), than I ever learned from a lecture my mom gave me (and there were many of those too). Sorry Mom.
As we celebrated mom last weekend with Mother’s Day, let’s also take a minute to celebrate the fact that the job of Mom never ends. In fact, it gets harder, as she has to learn to fight against her natural instinct to protect her babies (no matter how old they are) and let them go to learn to listen to and grow their own instincts. As hard as those lessons may be, those are the ones that will get them through the negativity the world is guaranteed to throw at them. So this week Mom’s, I challenge you to lovingly support your babies (no matter their age) by letting them fail while the stakes are still rather low, and you can still hold them in your arms while they cry. Enjoy that you are there to support them while they learn to support themselves.
By Katherine Biggs, MSCP