I hear the term “loving-kindness” used frequently in everyday conversation. For example, the other day I overheard a mom suggesting to her son he use some loving-kindess with his brother. When I heard the term being used, my counselor ears perked up, and I wondered if she knew the origination of the term loving-kindness, or if it was just her way of saying, “stop it, and be nice to your brother!” And there was the inspiration for the topic of this week’s post, Loving-kindness even when it’s hard.
The term loving-kindess typically refers to a type of meditation, loving-kindness meditation, practiced in Buddhism. Loving-kindness meditation, as described by the Metta Institute, is connecting to the intention of wishing others or ourselves happiness (Metta, 2017). In the last few years as meditation and mindfulness have taken a more mainstream path, we have begun to see these terms more widely used in all aspects of life, from the yoga studio to your doctors office.
Research tells us that loving-kindness meditation can increase feelings of well being, decrease negative emotions and depression symptoms, increase ability to manage stress, increase self-esteem, and increase long-term positive emotions (Seppala, 2014). If you are interested in learning more about the actual practice of loving-kindness meditation, check out the Metta Institute website for details and instructions.
So we know that loving-kindness meditation can be extremely beneficial to overall well-being and happiness, but how do we practice at times when it’s hard, I mean REALLY hard. This time of year everyone is talking about travel plans, family gatherings, and social celebrations. It is almost inevitable that during these times, old feelings, happy and sad, are brought to the forefront. Past family feuds, old arguments, and long-term rivalries often begin to take the drivers seat during even the most innocent holiday get together.
In order to be skillful and manage anxiety, I often recommend pre-planning for these occasions. Spend time thinking about your feelings about the situation bringing you anxiety, practice some self-awareness, ask the tough questions of yourself about why you are feeling the way you do. Think about the skills you should use in the situation, maybe do some yoga to start the day off right, or practice deep-breathing in the car before going into the party.
This would also be a great time to practice some loving-kindess meditation, send yourself and the person(s) bringing you anxiety love and acceptance. But how do we do this when it is REALLY hard, I mean those situations that have years of emotion and pain behind them. How do we wish someone love and acceptance when we might not have forgiven them yet?
This is when my favorite answer comes into play: only you know the answer that is right for you. Maybe you can’t forgive the person, or the situation, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try to accept the reality of the present. Perhaps you focus your thoughts on just simply accepting the person and your emotions, instead of judging either to be good or bad/right or wrong. Your answer will come from the time you spend in self-reflection and awareness.
The practice of loving-kindness is never easy, whether you’re focused on yourself or others. But the times in which it is especially difficult, are the ones where you will find the most insight and growth. After all, the most difficult lessons in life are usually the most rewarding.
Your thoughts?
Next week, Your Mantra for Your Year.
By Katherine Biggs, MSCP
References
Metta Institute (2017). Retrieved from http://www.mettainstitute.org
Seppala, E. (2014). 18 Science-based reasons to try loving-kindness meditation. Retrieved from
http://www.mindful.org