Who Are We As Parents?

I had originally planned on writing about competitve parenting this week. The topic has been coming up for me a lot in my personal life and with my clients, I thought it was worth exploring a little more. But as I began writing, I realized that the point I was trying to make with the discussion of competitive parenting was not the competition of it, but how we as parents and individuals deal with those moments, and what that does to our well-being and that of our children.

What do I mean when I say “competitive parenting”, well if you’re a parent then you know exactly what I mean, you just may not be familiar with the term. I'm referring to those situations where you find yourself basing your parenting decisions on those around you. Essentially “keeping up with the Jones’s” parenting-edition.

For example, one parent gives their child $5 for the first lost tooth, then another friend in class has a parent who ups-the-ante to $10, and by the time your child loses her first tooth the going rate is $100! (This example was adapted from a real-life scenario, seriously!) Sometimes these competitive parenting moments can be helpful, one child received $100 for their first tooth and you know that the tooth fairy will not bringing a 3-digit gift to your little one, but that opens up a great conversation about the value of a dollar and ways to earn money around the house through hard work.

Then there are those moments that are just silly, and hopefully we can all take them with a grain of salt. These are the times when you meet a parent in passing who can’t help but tell you about how fabulous everything their child does, and how they only go to the best schools/activities/parks, you-name-it they have found the best of it. Grain of salt.

Finally, the moments that I want to focus on are those that truly hurt us all as parents, as people, and in turn negatively impact our children and what they learn from us. These are the moments when we as parents feel so insecure about what we are doing that we have to go over-the-top to prove to the world that we are the best parents ever. We are all guilty of this at times. We have all felt the need to “win” at something in the parenting game. Whether it’s “my baby sleeps longer than yours, so I must be a good parent”, or “I have more kids than you do, and I’m able to make it to preschool on time, I'm doing this the right way”, and you can’t forget the ever popular “my child was potty-trained at X months old, and your kiddo is still having accidents, clearly I should write a parenting book”.

Let me ask you, where do these moments get us? While there may be some validation in the short-term when you are the parent making the statement, but does this really give you the reassurance and confidence in your parenting that you are looking for at the end of the day? Let me answer that for all of us, no it doesn’t. There is no parenting-comparison that will make you feel successful as a parent. The only thing that makes us feel truly successful is seeing our children grow into a strong, kind, confident individuals.

Ask yourself this, will your child be able to reach their full-potential if they are regularly being used as a pawn in your own game of competitve parenting? And does that truly increase your own feelings of confidence as a parent, or do you still doubt almost every parenting decision? I'm guessing the latter is true.

I’d like to suggest an alternative to all of this competition, why don't we all acknowledge that parenting is hard, REALLY hard. It is the hardest job in life. And every day we fail, every day we try as hard as we can, but we fail in some way. We fail because we are human, we are going to fail. But we keep trying day in and day out, and that is what makes us good at this job. We don’t give up, we are parents every day of our lives until our last day. Why don’t we look at that fact, the dedication to trying our best every day even when we know we are going to fail, as the confidence boost we need and want.

Accepting ourselves as we are, human and vulnerable, and finding strength in that will teach our children to do the same. Finding similarities and mutual ground with each other, instead of ways to one-up, will teach our children to do the same.

Be the person you want your child to be and they will learn to be the confident adult they need to be to succeed. 

Next week, I would like to explore self-care and ways to replenish what the world depletes. Do you have a favorite self-care activity? If so, let me know so I can add it to my list please! I'd love your help. 

 

 

By Katherine Biggs, MSCP