Last week I wrote about the increased lack of familial support in parenting, and the distress it causes for those of us navigating its bumpy waters. This week, I would like to take that issue a step further and explore whether or not this change in how we raise our children is contributing to the increased suicidal and homicidal behaviors of teenagers and young adults. We again faced a situation where a young adult intentionally took the lives of several students and teachers. Would this have been preventable had the individual had more of a family presence in his life? We certainly won’t ever know that answer, but I think it is worth discussing.
Let me be clear, this is a very polarizing and political issue, which we don’t need to debate here. Politics aside, focusing on the mental health aspect, does the lack of familial support contribute to the increase of severe mental health symptoms in young people today? We know that the shooter in Florida was adopted and had recently lost both of his adopted parents. Clearly, he felt as though he had nowhere to go, no one to turn to, and was living with various friends and acquaintances who would take him in. Did he have family members to turn to, adopted or biological? Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents – did he have anyone he felt would protect him, or listen to him, if he shared his thoughts of violence?
Again, I want to be clear that I am not at all blaming the family in this situation. But could we have prevented this, and other tragedies like it, if we were providing our kids with the village it takes to raise them? We are seeing more suicidal behaviors in young children due to bullying, more self-harm and suicidal ideation in teenagers because of the pressure to fit in, and an increase in depression rates linked to social media and screen time for kids of all ages. If we had more family support for everyone involved, would we be able to prevent some of these symptoms? Yes, I believe we would have a better chance of preventing tragedies if we truly had the entire village involved in raising our kids.
Parenting is tough, I mean really tough. There’s no instruction manual, no rule book, and very little support especially for families where both parents are working. As parents, who do we turn to when we have questions on a daily basis about behavior, setting boundaries, and allowing for independence. Some of us are lucky enough to have involved family members nearby willing to help out and offer guidance. But a lot of us have had to relocate due to jobs and have found ourselves raising kids in strange cities with no real support systems. Talk about setting ourselves up for failure, we’re out on an island trying to figure out how to tame these savage beasts we call toddlers with no life line in sight. Is it all that surprising our kids are more depressed, more stressed, and reporting more mental health symptoms than in generations before?
So what now? HELP PLEASE!! It really DOES take a village, and we need all hands-on deck. Parents need help, kids need help, parents-to-be need help. If you are a sister, brother, aunt, uncle, grandparent, mother, father – be there for your family. If you know someone who is a parent-to-be, talk to them about how you can help and be there for them. Look for the signs of postpartum depression and mood symptoms in both parents, mom and dad. Once the baby arrives, ask what you can do to help. Bring food, wash baby clothes, be someone to call in the middle of the night when the baby won’t stop crying.
As children grow, teach them through your actions that they have people in their lives who love and support them outside of just mom and dad. When teenagers become impossible, be there as a shoulder to cry on, or the friend who shows up with pizza and wine when you know mom and dad have had a rough week. Even if you’re not nearby, you can make your presence known and felt for parents and kids. Regular phone calls, Facetime/Skype dates, and thoughtful “checking-in” text messages can mean the world to a struggling mom or angry teenager. Use the technology we have in our everyday lives for good, use it to be the village we need, support those in your life so that they may grow to support others.
Kindness is good karma, keep it going.
By Katherine Biggs, MSCP